Me: He said the only real problem he could see was that the muscles on the back of my legs are really tight.
Old Person: That don't sound right. I don't see how that could cause your problems. I think you probably have nerve damage, because my son's feet hurt and they found out that that's why.
Me: I really don't think that's what it is.
Old Person: Well, you should ask another doctor, because most doctors don't know what they're talking about.
Me: I have been to a lot of doctors. And it's true that some of them are incompetent, but I think this doctor knew what he was talking about.
Old Person: Didn't you say before that your problems had something to do with the bones?
Me: Well, that's what my one podiatrist said. He said that they were angled downward, and that was causing problems.
Old Person: Have you ever had your blood tested? Because you're really pale, which is a sign of leukemia, and leukemia causes bone problems.
Me: I'm pale because I'm white. I don't have leukemia.
Old Person: Okay, but I think you should get tested. You're really very pale.
Me: I'm naturally pale. Really, I don't think I have leukemia, or anything like that.
The next day . . .
Old Person: You really look pale. Maybe you have lupus. Have you ever gotten tested for that?
Me: I'm just white. I'm quite sure I don't have lupus or any other serious medical condition like that.
Old Person: Well, my daughter had leukemia, and she was really pale and bad looking for a while before they diagnosed her. I think you should get tested. Lupus or leukemia is probably causing your feet problems and making you look pale.
Me: I don't think my paleness and my foot problems are related, except to the extent that they're both conditions I was born with. But my paleness is not indicative of illness. Really, I'm just very fair-complected. And besides, I've had blood work done, and my blood is perfectly normal.
Old Person: Okay, but they might have gotten the tests wrong. You can't trust doctors.
Me: Really, I'm fine. I don't have lupus or leukemia. My terminal heart disease, on the other hand . . . .
(Okay, so I didn't really say that. The Old Person doesn't understand jokes.)
7 comments:
poor cindy! i love getting unsolicited medical advice - it's even better if you ever go to south america! but i'm positive it's the mutant zombies.
- kathy meg'ssister
ps - i love your blog. it's hilarious.
I agree with the zombie. You really need to get checked for leukemia and iron deficiency anemia and osteoporosis... I decided to stop since it's quite fun guessing what diseases someone other than me has. Get better soon.
Cindy, you look so skinny. Maybe you have Chester A. Arthritis?
Over the years, several people have told me that I have a nice smile. (Or, as my piano teacher put it, "I see you are capable of producing a decent-looking smile when you want to. Too bad I had to see your picture in the newspaper to find that out.") It turns out that what these people really meant was, "Please smile! You look undead when you don't."
I needed a passport-type photo for the MPRE, so I was trying hard not to smile. (As we all know, if we smile then the terrorists have won.) I just can't pull off the unsmiling look.
The Old Person is actually not the first person to diagnose me with leukemia and/or lupus. My seminary teacher thought I had some serious illness because I always looked pale, tired, and unhappy when she saw me. Well, yeah. It was 5:30 in the stinkin' morning.
If I look more skinny than normal, that must be a consequence of the no-smiling look. Believe me, I haven't lost weight.
For the most part I've stopped eating like a college student, and eating real meals has definitely caused me to gain some weight. It also hasn't helped that I haven't wanted to walk since I hurt my foot. A few weeks ago I drove to another apartment in our apartment complex instead of walking there. So I'm just a little bit fat.
That's OK cuz that's just how Hudson and the Hoo Doo Whatevers like their women
I'm glad you got the reference.
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