Friday, May 23, 2008

in the biblical sense

Flipping through a case just now, I was rather confused about a threat the defendant made to his neighbor. "Wait a minute," I thought, "this inner-city drug dealer's neighbor owned a donkey? And why would the drug dealer threaten to kick the donkey? It seems like kicking a donkey is . . . .Oh, I think he wasn't referring to a donkey after all."

Apparently I lead a sheltered life.

Saturday, May 17, 2008


This is pretty much what I'll look like for Rosie's wedding.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Bollywood wedding

I think I just found the perfect outfits for the bridal couple and the groomsmen.

These would be great for Rosie's wedding. And don't worry, Rosie -- I'm sure I'll be able to find a nice bridesmaid dress for myself. You don't need to worry about picking one for me.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

helpful hint for very tired travellers

When you get back to your hotel room after breakfast, you can go in, even if there's a "do not disturb" sign on the door. You put it there to stop the hotel cleaning staff, not yourself. Remember?

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

helpful hint for tired travellers

If you wake up a few minutes after breakfast at your hotel has officially ended, and you manage to get there in time to grab some scrambled eggs and hash browns, only to discover that all of the silverware has already been put away, just remember this: those little coffee stirrers may be too flexible to make good chopsticks, but they'll do in a pinch.

Friday, May 09, 2008

Ben and Me

Today the judge asked me locate an obscure and rather abstract idea that he had read in "an essay or book" by Benjamin Franklin. In the process, I discovered that Benjamin Franklin wrote far too much. But I also learned a very interesting and little-known fact: Benjamin Franklin invented a time travel machine and traveled to the present day.

After else, how else could he so clearly describe many commenters on online message boards and blogs?

Rules for Making Oneself a Disagreeable Companion

RULES, by the Observation of which, a Man of Wit and Learning may nevertheless make himself a disagreeable Companion.

Your Business is to shine; therefore you must by all means prevent the shining of others, for their Brightness may make yours the less distinguish'd. To this End,

1. If possible engross the whole Discourse; and when other Matter fails, talk much of your-self, your Education, your Knowledge, your Circumstances, your Successes in Business, your Victories in Disputes, your own wise Sayings and Observations on particular Occasions, &c. &c. &c.;

2. If when you are out of Breath, one of the Company should seize the Opportunity of saying something; watch his Words, and, if possible, find somewhat either in his Sentiment or Expression, immediately to contradict and raise a Dispute upon. Rather than fail, criticise even his Grammar.

. . . .

4. When modest Men have been thus treated by you a few times, they will chuse ever after to be silent in your Company; then you may shine on without Fear of a Rival; rallying them at the same time for their Dullness, which will be to you a new Fund of Wit.

Thus you will be sure to please yourself. The polite Man aims at pleasing others, but you shall go beyond him even in that. A Man can be present only in one Company, but may at the same time be absent in twenty. He can please only where he is, you where-ever you are not.

The Pennsylvania Gazette, November 15, 1750