Saturday, August 11, 2012

Mormon Juliet

A phrase I've been using a lot recently is "Don't judge, but . . . ."  Today's topic that I would like you not to judge me on is  A few weeks, on a boring and lonely Sunday afternoon, I created a profile there.  (Honestly, I mostly just wanted to see whether LDS dating sites are as creepy now as I remember them being the last time I checked, about twelve years ago.  Conclusion: It looks like they've improved.  I actually saw several non-creepy guys from my ward on there.  Although I think they ought to just man up and ask girls out in real life, at least I know they're not creepers.)

One service offered by is a matching program that uses Science to find people who have compatible personalities and attitudes about religion, family, finances, which spouse should do the dishes, etc.  As a firm believer in Science, I naturally had to fill out a profile myself. 

A week went by, and Science was unable to find anyone compatible with me.  This wasn't too surprising -- I've always figured I was a high-specificity, high-affinity person.

But then, I logged on and saw that there was actually a Scientifically Compatible match for me.  I eagerly clicked on his profile -- and discovered that he lives in Australia. 

"So much for Science," I thought to myself.  I am, of course, too cheap to pay for services on an online dating site, which means I can't send or receive messages.  This guy, as a Scientifically Compatible match for me, is probably in the same situation

If this were a romantic comedy, he'd probably internet-stalk me and then fly to Salt Lake to meet me in person, showing up on my doorstep and saying, "Hi, I'm [name redacted].  Do you believe in Science?" 

Or, even more probably, we'd both decide to fly to the other's continent, barely missing each other at the airport where we each coincidentally had a layover.  After 90 minutes of wacky hijinks and near misses, I would be just about to board my flight back to the States when he'd get on the airport loudspeaker and make a cheesy speech, and then there'd be much running down long hallways while random extras other passengers clapped and security personnel pulled out their Tasers. 

This being real life, however, both my Scientifically Compatible match and I are (hopefully) too level-headed and non-creepy for such a thing to ever occur.  As with all the classic stories of star-crossed lovers, it's the very things that made us compatible that are now keeping us apart.  Even Science can't overcome Fate.