crazy men and old people

Scene: The McDonalds inside of Walmart
Characters: The Crazy Man, The Old Person, and Me

Old Person: Look at this food. This MacDonalds has sure cut back on their quality. I can't believe they sell this stuff. They don't even give you fry sauce. Isn't that weird!

Crazy Man (from behind me): [something unintelligible]

Old Person: That man is talking to himself. He's probably doped up -- you know, on drugs. You'd be surprised how many people are on drugs.

Me: Probably not. That's what I spend the majority of my time on at work.

Old Person: What's he drinking? It's green. I've never seen any kind of drink like that before.

Me: I think it's some kind of sports drink, like Gatorade.

Old Person: I don't know what it is. It's really weird, isn't it? It don't look like soda or anything.

Me: Yes, but it looks like Gatorade.

Old Person: I don't know. It's really weird.

Crazy Man: Rosemary!


Old Person: So, you're a lawyer, right?

Me: Sort of. I'm not licensed.

Old Person: Okay, so is there like some law or something saying that cleaning services can't abuse the elderly?

Me: Um, I can't give legal advice.

Old Person: They always abuse me, like that one girl -- she was a Polynesian, and they're not that clean, you know -- and she drank from my soda. Can you believe that? See, she brought my soda to me, and there was a straw already in it. They don't give it to you like that, so I know she must have been drinking out of it. And I asked her why she drank out of it, and she said, 'I never drank out of your soda.' But I know she did, and who knows what kinds of diseases she's got. Can you believe she did that? And then when I complain, Aging Services say that the cleaning people say I abuse them, but I never abused anyone in my life.

Crazy Man: Cilantro!

Me: I don't know anything about that area of law, and even if I did, I couldn't give legal advice.

Crazy Man: Vinegar!

Old Person: Well, it seems real weird that they can abuse the elderly and there's no law against it. And then they accuse me of abusing them. You wouldn't believe the kinds of people they send to clean our houses. They're all mentally ill.

Crazy Man: Parsley!


Old Person: I don't think they should let that man in here when he's on drugs. Who knows what he might do people. And he's drinking that weird stuff.

Me: I really think it's Gatorade.

[Silence for a few moments as we eat our surprisingly low-quality McDonalds food.]

Old Person: I can't believe how hard it is to find clothes here nowadays. They don't have good stuff like they used to. And it's all two-piece. Just shirts and skirts -- all two-piece. Isn't that weird?

Me: Umm . . .

Crazy Man: Rosemary!

Old Person: And everyone wears jeans nowadays, even if they're fat. I don't think fat people should wear jeans, do you?

Me: I haven't given it that much thought.

Crazy Man: Sage!

[The Old Person speaks to one of the employees.]

Old Person: The girl said that man is not on drugs -- he's just schizophrenic or something. I don't think they should let him in here if he's crazy. Of course, he seems pretty harmless. He just seems to think he's making some kind of a stew. But that still means he's crazy, and who knows what delusions he'll start to have next.

Crazy Man: Rotten milk!!!