helpful advice, column 2

Dear Stupid Dog Owner,

Over the past several months, I have noticed that you walk your dog about 50 times per day. Despite the frequency with which the dog is taken on walks and the fact that you incessantly tell the dog to "Go Potty" while walking it, the dog has apparently not learned the point of going on walks. This is so even though you act like the animal has discovered the cure for cancer every time it does finally do its business.

I advise you to get a smarter pet. Perhaps a goldfish or an earthworm.

Love, The Girl Whose Window Abuts Your Favorite Dog-Walking Location

helpful advice, column 1

Dear Sister-in-Law,

Congratulations on the anticipated visit from the stork in November. I know you said you don't need help with name suggestions, but I don't think you really meant it. So, I'm come up with some great ideas for you.

Option 1. Since Kid #1 was born in July and is named after a gemstone starting with the letter J, perhaps Kid #2 should be named after a gemstone starting with the letter N. I suggest Nephrite.

Option 2. You know how babies born in December are often named Christmas-y names, like Holly or Noelle or Cindy Lou? Well, I think your November baby should get a Thanksgiving name, like Pocahontas or Pilgrim or Turkey. You could also go for a nice Veteran's Day name like Camouflage or Armistice. But I think you should stick with Turkey.

Let me know if you want any more suggestions. My advice is free, and worth every penny.

Love, Cindy