Edna: Your roommate is always on the prowl.
Herbert: What do you mean?
Edna: He's always looking for new girls to flirt with.
Herbert: Oh, that's true. After institute he tries to get dates with random girls.
Edna: Tries?
Herbert: Well, the last few girls he's talked to have all turned out to be lawyers.
Cindy's roommate: What's wrong with lawyers, Cindy wants to know.
Cindy: Yeah, what exactly did you mean by that?
Herbert: Oh, well they just don't have time to date because they're lawyers.
Mabel: I'll have to start using that approach too. "Why did you think I was studying music, George? I'm totally a lawyer. But otherwise I would go out with you."
Cindy: This may explain some things.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
nipping it in the bud
Last night I dreamed that people kept mailing me drugs to help me get over my crack addiction. I was worried in the dream about what I was going to do with all the drugs without getting my friends in trouble for mailing them to me.
Also, I couldn't figure out why everyone thought I used crack. Just because I've mentioned it a time or two on this blog does not mean that I'm a user. I'd just like to take this opportunity to state for the record that I do not use crack, I've never used crack, and I don't plan on taking up the habit in the future. So please, stop mailing me drugs, everyone. Thanks.
Also, I couldn't figure out why everyone thought I used crack. Just because I've mentioned it a time or two on this blog does not mean that I'm a user. I'd just like to take this opportunity to state for the record that I do not use crack, I've never used crack, and I don't plan on taking up the habit in the future. So please, stop mailing me drugs, everyone. Thanks.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
a deep dark secret
I always find it hard to play those get-to-know-you games where you have to come up with a fact about you that other people don't know. I don't really have that many deep dark secrets, nor would I want to share them in a game if I did. (I'll parenthetically note here how uncomfortable it was when a girl in one of my law classes used "my father is having an affair" as one of her truths in Two Truths and a Lie.)
But today, I thought of a deep dark secret that I'd like to share with you, my blog readers, because you're so special to me. So here it is: I was actually afraid of the floating green translucent special effects snakes in Doc Savage: Man of Bronze when I watched that movie as a kid.
Sure, I made fun of them with the rest of my family, but deep down inside, I actually found them scary. Yes, the special effects were really bad, and yes, such magical translucent floating green snakes probably don't exist -- but what if they do? For about a year after watching that movie, I was afraid to be in a locked room by myself. (It's true that the snakes seemed to magically be able to lock rooms that hadn't been locked in the first place, but I still felt more safe without the door locked.) Fortunately, my bedroom had the swamp cooler in it, and I knew from the movie that the best way to defeat the creepy translucent floating green snakes was with a fan or other wind-making device. So I planned out in my head how I would run over to the swamp cooler and turn it on if I got attacked by the magical floating green snakes, and that gave me some peace of mind.
Well, I feel much better now that I've gotten that off my chest. I've been hiding that shameful secret for years.
Now I'll have to think of something else to mention the next time I play one of those games.
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
a conversation with the Old Person
Old Person: I don't like flying. It's too scary.
Me: When's the last time you flew?
Old Person: Oh, about sixty years ago.
Me: Wait, did you say sixty?
Old Person: Yeah, it must be sixty. I was pregnant with my son Joe at the time, and it's his sixtieth birthday this month. My husband liked flying, so he took me up on a little four-seater plane. It was really bumpy, and I got sick. It was a scary experience, and I haven't flown since then.
Me: Have you ever flown on a jet plane?
Old Person: No, and I don't need to. Maybe it would be kind of different from the little plane, but I don't need to go anywhere by plane, and I already know that flying is scary.
Me: When's the last time you flew?
Old Person: Oh, about sixty years ago.
Me: Wait, did you say sixty?
Old Person: Yeah, it must be sixty. I was pregnant with my son Joe at the time, and it's his sixtieth birthday this month. My husband liked flying, so he took me up on a little four-seater plane. It was really bumpy, and I got sick. It was a scary experience, and I haven't flown since then.
Me: Have you ever flown on a jet plane?
Old Person: No, and I don't need to. Maybe it would be kind of different from the little plane, but I don't need to go anywhere by plane, and I already know that flying is scary.
foredoomed to fail
In the course of one day of (attempted) air travel, my fellow passengers and I experienced the following inconveniences:
Other notes:
One passenger received an email and a phone call from Delta telling him that the flight had been pushed back until 3:30, and when he checked in at the curb at 2:00 or so, they told him that his flight was leaving at 3:30. The gate area was crammed with people, due to the weather delays earlier in the day, so he decided to wait in the lounge until closer to the departure time. And then the plane left without him, but with his luggage.
Another passenger apparently was actually in the gate area and still missed the flight. Around 2:15 or so (if I understood her story correctly), she asked the gate agent if this was the correct gate for Oklahoma City. The gate agent said it was, so the passenger found a seat nearby to wait for departure. About an hour later, she began wondering when they were going to board the flight. She asked at the gate, and the agent said, "Oh, well that flight already left. You missed it." The passenger pointed out that the gate agent knew that she was on that flight and that she hadn't left the general gate area, so the agent obviously hadn't tried very hard to announce the departure. The gate agent refused to care.
After our second deplaning procedure on the second flight, the gate agents told us that we definitely wouldn't be leaving that night and they didn't know what would happen with rescheduling. They said the morning flight was booked, but ExpressJet might book an extra flight in the morning to take care of all of us. However, if this happened, it wouldn't happen until 3 or 4 in the morning, so they couldn't tell us anything at this point (around 1:30 am). When I called at 6 in the morning to find out what was happening, the Delta employees I talked to thought I was making up all this stuff about ExpressJet maybe scheduling an extra morning flight. They said that the next available flight was the 7:30 pm flight that night, so they booked me on that flight. However, it turns out that at one point an extra morning flight was indeed scheduled, for 8:15 am. One guy who had paid for a hotel room that night apparently went back to the airport for the 8:15 flight, only to discover that it had been canceled. Another passenger, somewhat luckier, got woken up by a phone call from Delta at 5 in the morning to tell him that the 8:15 flight had been canceled. So, the flight was apparently booked and then canceled before I called at 6. They evidently cited "crew problems" as the reason for the cancellation. I'm not sure what kind of crew problems arose between 4 and 5 in the morning, but whatever.
Of course, the people who were just in Salt Lake on connecting flights had a much worse time of it than the Salt Lake residents did. One guy was flying from Boise to Oklahoma City and ended up getting stuck in Salt Lake for 36 hours because of Delta's incompetence and ExpressJet's smoking engines. In exchange for all of this inconvenience, Delta very graciously offered him a $7 food voucher. That's right -- one $7 food voucher to make up for a 36-hour layover. Supposedly, Delta has a quota for hotel vouchers every night, and they'd already canceled too many flights before canceling our flight at 1:30 in the morning. They did helpfully volunteer to bring some little airplane pillows and blankets out so that people could sleep in the terminal, although of course they wouldn't be allowed back in the terminal if they wanted to fetch their luggage so they could brush their teeth or something.
Delta basically refused to take any responsibility for any of this because it was an ExpressJet crew and plane. Well, here's the thing, Delta -- it was your company we paid money to, and it was your name on our tickets, and it was your ticket agents and gate agents we had to deal with. So don't try to shirk all responsibility for the fiasco. Don't do business with ExpressJet if they're not reliable, but don't try to place all the blame on them when you're profiting from the relationship and you're at fault too.
I was supposed to arrive in Oklahoma City at 5pm Monday night. Instead, I got there around midnight on Tuesday. And I had the great pleasure of hanging out in the airport for 15 hours or so, plus driving to the airport twice and boarding airplanes thrice. It was great fun.
- weather delays;
- a computer problem that caused every Delta employee and every person in the airport, with the exception of the gate agent and the flight crew, to believe that our flight was leaving at 3:30 rather than at 2:30, when it actually left;
- gate agents who refused to reopen the gate or tell the pilot about the computer problem "because of FAA regulations," even though the plane hadn't moved and it was the computer glitch that caused people not to be in the boarding area;
- a flight that was allowed to take off with luggage belonging to passengers who hadn't made it onto the flight, in spite of FAA regulations;
- a several-hour wait for the next flight;
- more delays;
- flight information that disappeared from the screens throughout the terminal and in the boarding area more than an hour before boarding began, causing several passengers to fear that they had somehow missed this flight as well;
- a paranoid passenger freaking out because there were some Middle Eastern men on board
- seat changes for "security reasons"
- a lengthy de-icing process;
- knocking in the engine;
- an engine de-icing and testing process that took an hour and a half, even though we'd been told that we couldn't leave the boarding area because it would take only 20 or 30 mintues;
- the sound of an alarm going off a few minutes after take-off;
- the smell of smoke in the cabin area;
- the sight of a flight attendant sprinting down the aisle with a worried look on her face;
- an emergency landing that took a really long time, apparently because they had to get fire trucks into place first;
- gate agents who had no idea what was going on or when we'd ever be able to make it to Oklahoma City;
- after 12 or more hours in the airport, a return to our own homes if we lived in Salt Lake City or an uncomfortable night in the airport if we didn't.
Other notes:
One passenger received an email and a phone call from Delta telling him that the flight had been pushed back until 3:30, and when he checked in at the curb at 2:00 or so, they told him that his flight was leaving at 3:30. The gate area was crammed with people, due to the weather delays earlier in the day, so he decided to wait in the lounge until closer to the departure time. And then the plane left without him, but with his luggage.
Another passenger apparently was actually in the gate area and still missed the flight. Around 2:15 or so (if I understood her story correctly), she asked the gate agent if this was the correct gate for Oklahoma City. The gate agent said it was, so the passenger found a seat nearby to wait for departure. About an hour later, she began wondering when they were going to board the flight. She asked at the gate, and the agent said, "Oh, well that flight already left. You missed it." The passenger pointed out that the gate agent knew that she was on that flight and that she hadn't left the general gate area, so the agent obviously hadn't tried very hard to announce the departure. The gate agent refused to care.
After our second deplaning procedure on the second flight, the gate agents told us that we definitely wouldn't be leaving that night and they didn't know what would happen with rescheduling. They said the morning flight was booked, but ExpressJet might book an extra flight in the morning to take care of all of us. However, if this happened, it wouldn't happen until 3 or 4 in the morning, so they couldn't tell us anything at this point (around 1:30 am). When I called at 6 in the morning to find out what was happening, the Delta employees I talked to thought I was making up all this stuff about ExpressJet maybe scheduling an extra morning flight. They said that the next available flight was the 7:30 pm flight that night, so they booked me on that flight. However, it turns out that at one point an extra morning flight was indeed scheduled, for 8:15 am. One guy who had paid for a hotel room that night apparently went back to the airport for the 8:15 flight, only to discover that it had been canceled. Another passenger, somewhat luckier, got woken up by a phone call from Delta at 5 in the morning to tell him that the 8:15 flight had been canceled. So, the flight was apparently booked and then canceled before I called at 6. They evidently cited "crew problems" as the reason for the cancellation. I'm not sure what kind of crew problems arose between 4 and 5 in the morning, but whatever.
Of course, the people who were just in Salt Lake on connecting flights had a much worse time of it than the Salt Lake residents did. One guy was flying from Boise to Oklahoma City and ended up getting stuck in Salt Lake for 36 hours because of Delta's incompetence and ExpressJet's smoking engines. In exchange for all of this inconvenience, Delta very graciously offered him a $7 food voucher. That's right -- one $7 food voucher to make up for a 36-hour layover. Supposedly, Delta has a quota for hotel vouchers every night, and they'd already canceled too many flights before canceling our flight at 1:30 in the morning. They did helpfully volunteer to bring some little airplane pillows and blankets out so that people could sleep in the terminal, although of course they wouldn't be allowed back in the terminal if they wanted to fetch their luggage so they could brush their teeth or something.
Delta basically refused to take any responsibility for any of this because it was an ExpressJet crew and plane. Well, here's the thing, Delta -- it was your company we paid money to, and it was your name on our tickets, and it was your ticket agents and gate agents we had to deal with. So don't try to shirk all responsibility for the fiasco. Don't do business with ExpressJet if they're not reliable, but don't try to place all the blame on them when you're profiting from the relationship and you're at fault too.
I was supposed to arrive in Oklahoma City at 5pm Monday night. Instead, I got there around midnight on Tuesday. And I had the great pleasure of hanging out in the airport for 15 hours or so, plus driving to the airport twice and boarding airplanes thrice. It was great fun.
Monday, January 21, 2008
thoughts while chatting online with Gateway support
Dear Gateway,
I know what the problem with my computer is. I just need to buy a replacement fan. Why must you keep asking me irrelevant questions?
You don't carry replacement parts for a computer that you're currently selling? Nice.
But you will repair it for me for an estimated $300 plus shipping plus tax? That's generous.
You know, the last time you "repaired" my computer, it worked for about two weeks before dying again. So let me think, would it be worth that much money for me to send it to you so that your technicians can jiggle some things around and pretend that they're fixing things?
Tough one. I'm going to have to go with . . . not in a million years.
And I know all about your shipping scam. If I say I'll send it in for repairs, you'll tell me that I need to use a special box that costs $70 to ship it to you. You've tried that one on me before.
Don't even try to tell me that I can take it to a Gateway store for in-shop repairs. I know full well that your store employees aren't authorized to work on laptops. If you wanted me to fall for that one, you shouldn't have told Other Law Student Cindy that her warranty was voided because she had allowed unauthorized technicians -- your store employees -- to attempt to fix her Gateway laptop.
The day I give any more money to you is the day I have given up all hope of life ever having any joy again.
And you might as well stop calling me. I'm not going to answer my phone.
Love,
A One-Time Gateway Customer
I know what the problem with my computer is. I just need to buy a replacement fan. Why must you keep asking me irrelevant questions?
You don't carry replacement parts for a computer that you're currently selling? Nice.
But you will repair it for me for an estimated $300 plus shipping plus tax? That's generous.
You know, the last time you "repaired" my computer, it worked for about two weeks before dying again. So let me think, would it be worth that much money for me to send it to you so that your technicians can jiggle some things around and pretend that they're fixing things?
Tough one. I'm going to have to go with . . . not in a million years.
And I know all about your shipping scam. If I say I'll send it in for repairs, you'll tell me that I need to use a special box that costs $70 to ship it to you. You've tried that one on me before.
Don't even try to tell me that I can take it to a Gateway store for in-shop repairs. I know full well that your store employees aren't authorized to work on laptops. If you wanted me to fall for that one, you shouldn't have told Other Law Student Cindy that her warranty was voided because she had allowed unauthorized technicians -- your store employees -- to attempt to fix her Gateway laptop.
The day I give any more money to you is the day I have given up all hope of life ever having any joy again.
And you might as well stop calling me. I'm not going to answer my phone.
Love,
A One-Time Gateway Customer
Saturday, January 19, 2008
more thoughts while watching Yaadein
This Very Special Edition of my blog will allow you to vicariously enjoy the experience of watching Yaadein, minus the horror of all those transparent tanktops and other scary clothes. We'll focus on one of my favorite scenes: the anticlimactic crocodile scene.
To catch you up to speed, the hero is Ronit, played by Hrithik Roshan, and the heroine is Isha, played by Kareena Kapoor.
Without further ado, here is a Very Special glimpse of my thoughts during this fabulous scene.
What is this? Some kind of weird spring break scene?
Isha and her friends look awfully happy to be going to an island with danger signs posted everywhere.
And now they're running and screaming in terror. Is King Kong hiding out on the island or something?
So, they were scared because someone started playing clips of a crocodile walking around in a zoo? Okay. I do like the sound effects, but they might be more effective if the roars were coordinated with footage of the crocodile's mouth moving.
Wait, how did Isha get so far away from everyone else? They just got to the island a minute ago.
Wow, that's a nice stuffed crocodile. And I like the way they're cutting between the stuffed crocodile next to Isha and the crocodile footage from the zoo.
Hey, movie, the 1950's are calling. They want their special effects back.
You know, they should at least have attached a string to the stuffed crocodile's mouth so they could move it up and down. It's really hard to be scared of a crocodile that's not moving at all.
I think Kareena Kapoor would agree. The fake-scared looks in The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra were more convincing than this.
Oh, so now Isha's friends are leaving without her. Way to be manly, guys. Leave the girl behind with the scary crocodile while you race off in your boat.
Oh, but they're telling Ronit about it, and he'll be manly and save the day. It's a good thing he was hanging out by the docks on the mainland.
Never mind, it looks like Isha's going to take care of it herself. She'll get rid of the crocodile by . . . throwing her shirt at it? Um, okay.
And here's Ronit, looking muscular. Maybe now he'll wrestle the crocodile or something. That would be sweet.
No, I guess the crocodile is just going away. Maybe it was scared off by his massive biceps. Or by his sense of fashion.
Oh no, Ronit just found Isha's shirt. Maybe he'll think the crocodile ate her and he'll start crying manfully and stuff.
No, I guess not, because there's Isha. Sleeping? In a tree?
Oh, I think she fainted or something. In a tree.
Although she kind of looks like a lion's kill.
All right, so they're back in the boat again. I guess the crocodile didn't attack them after all. That was anticlimactic.
Dude, Ronit, we get the point. YOU HAVE BIG MUSCLES. WE KNOW. You don't need to keep flexing them every few minutes.
Heh heh. They're out of gas. Ronit, your little rescue attempt might have been a bit more impressive if you'd remembered to fill up the gas tank first.
Okay, I take it back. It is more impressive to rescue the girl by swimming back to the mainland with the boat in tow. I just hope the water isn't as infested by dangerous beasts as that island was.
And he's still swimming. How far away are they anyway?
Maybe there is a point to his muscles after all.
Still swimming. But look, there's a boat right there. Ronit, look to port! There's a boat. I bet they'll loan you some gas, or even give you a lift, if you ask them.
Okay, I guess he wants to do it the hard way.
So now it's dark outside? Seriously, how far away are they?
And it's morning again, I guess. Dude, Isha is still unconscious. When that girl faints, she doesn't mess around. Or maybe she woke up, saw that the man was doing all the work, and didn't see any point in letting him know that she was functioning again. I dig that.
Oh good, they made it to shore. And Ronit's in the hospital with a funky hospital cap on? Okay.
Wuss. Can't even rescue a girl without ending up in a hospital.
But it's all good, because now she knows she's in love with him.
Wow, that was so romantic, I guess.
But seriously, why didn't he wrestle the crocodile?
To catch you up to speed, the hero is Ronit, played by Hrithik Roshan, and the heroine is Isha, played by Kareena Kapoor.
Without further ado, here is a Very Special glimpse of my thoughts during this fabulous scene.
What is this? Some kind of weird spring break scene?
Isha and her friends look awfully happy to be going to an island with danger signs posted everywhere.
And now they're running and screaming in terror. Is King Kong hiding out on the island or something?
So, they were scared because someone started playing clips of a crocodile walking around in a zoo? Okay. I do like the sound effects, but they might be more effective if the roars were coordinated with footage of the crocodile's mouth moving.
Wait, how did Isha get so far away from everyone else? They just got to the island a minute ago.
Wow, that's a nice stuffed crocodile. And I like the way they're cutting between the stuffed crocodile next to Isha and the crocodile footage from the zoo.
Hey, movie, the 1950's are calling. They want their special effects back.
You know, they should at least have attached a string to the stuffed crocodile's mouth so they could move it up and down. It's really hard to be scared of a crocodile that's not moving at all.
I think Kareena Kapoor would agree. The fake-scared looks in The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra were more convincing than this.
Oh, so now Isha's friends are leaving without her. Way to be manly, guys. Leave the girl behind with the scary crocodile while you race off in your boat.
Oh, but they're telling Ronit about it, and he'll be manly and save the day. It's a good thing he was hanging out by the docks on the mainland.
Never mind, it looks like Isha's going to take care of it herself. She'll get rid of the crocodile by . . . throwing her shirt at it? Um, okay.
And here's Ronit, looking muscular. Maybe now he'll wrestle the crocodile or something. That would be sweet.
No, I guess the crocodile is just going away. Maybe it was scared off by his massive biceps. Or by his sense of fashion.
Oh no, Ronit just found Isha's shirt. Maybe he'll think the crocodile ate her and he'll start crying manfully and stuff.
No, I guess not, because there's Isha. Sleeping? In a tree?
Oh, I think she fainted or something. In a tree.
Although she kind of looks like a lion's kill.
All right, so they're back in the boat again. I guess the crocodile didn't attack them after all. That was anticlimactic.
Dude, Ronit, we get the point. YOU HAVE BIG MUSCLES. WE KNOW. You don't need to keep flexing them every few minutes.
Heh heh. They're out of gas. Ronit, your little rescue attempt might have been a bit more impressive if you'd remembered to fill up the gas tank first.
Okay, I take it back. It is more impressive to rescue the girl by swimming back to the mainland with the boat in tow. I just hope the water isn't as infested by dangerous beasts as that island was.
And he's still swimming. How far away are they anyway?
Maybe there is a point to his muscles after all.
Still swimming. But look, there's a boat right there. Ronit, look to port! There's a boat. I bet they'll loan you some gas, or even give you a lift, if you ask them.
Okay, I guess he wants to do it the hard way.
So now it's dark outside? Seriously, how far away are they?
And it's morning again, I guess. Dude, Isha is still unconscious. When that girl faints, she doesn't mess around. Or maybe she woke up, saw that the man was doing all the work, and didn't see any point in letting him know that she was functioning again. I dig that.
Oh good, they made it to shore. And Ronit's in the hospital with a funky hospital cap on? Okay.
Wuss. Can't even rescue a girl without ending up in a hospital.
But it's all good, because now she knows she's in love with him.
Wow, that was so romantic, I guess.
But seriously, why didn't he wrestle the crocodile?
thoughts while shopping with the old person
So, you didn't like the movie Harvey because it's about a bunny rabbit? Um, okay.
Can we go home yet? We've been at Walmart for ages.
Okay, I guess we've only been here an hour, but it feels like ages.
I really doubt the sizes on this rack have changed during the last five minutes. There probably is still nothing your size here.
Yes, this is still a size XL, just like the last two times you asked me to look at it.
Sorry, Old Person, but I doubt that we'll find anything your size in the juniors' section.
Hey, there's a mirror.
Wow, I'm looking kinda fat.
And look at that -- pants with "Love" written at the waist line. Yeah, like anyone needs help spotting my love handles.
No, Old Person, I don't think you'll find anything you like in the boys' section.
You know, I suddenly feel a lot of sympathy for the Ghost of Marley, doomed to roam the aisles of Walmart eternally. No, wait. He wasn't stuck in Walmart. Lucky.
In fact, I bet Hell is a lot like Walmart. And all the catering in Hell is done by the McDonalds here.
At least I don't have to drag a mile of chains behind me. Not yet, at least.
Can we go home yet? We've been at Walmart for ages.
Okay, I guess we've only been here an hour, but it feels like ages.
I really doubt the sizes on this rack have changed during the last five minutes. There probably is still nothing your size here.
Yes, this is still a size XL, just like the last two times you asked me to look at it.
Sorry, Old Person, but I doubt that we'll find anything your size in the juniors' section.
Hey, there's a mirror.
Wow, I'm looking kinda fat.
And look at that -- pants with "Love" written at the waist line. Yeah, like anyone needs help spotting my love handles.
No, Old Person, I don't think you'll find anything you like in the boys' section.
You know, I suddenly feel a lot of sympathy for the Ghost of Marley, doomed to roam the aisles of Walmart eternally. No, wait. He wasn't stuck in Walmart. Lucky.
In fact, I bet Hell is a lot like Walmart. And all the catering in Hell is done by the McDonalds here.
At least I don't have to drag a mile of chains behind me. Not yet, at least.
Friday, January 18, 2008
thoughts while watching Yaadein
Dear Hrithik Roshan,
You are an attractive man. However, that does not excuse your many crimes against fashion.
The hats are a little goofy, but I'll let them pass.
This, on the other hand, is just not acceptable.
Please fire the person who told you that see-through tanktops are attractive and manly. They're not. And maybe you should cut back on the headbands as well.
Why don't you try something with sleeves? I promise, we won't forget that you have muscles.
And please, if you must wear clothes made out of black garbage bags, at least go with Hefty. I hear Hefty bags are less likely to rip.
Love,
A Concerned Fan
thoughts on the bus
Dear Drunk Guy,
Perhaps there was someone on the bus tonight who would have been charmed by your slurred speech, beer breath, and skill at boxing imaginary opponents. "My hands are really cold. Feel them. Go on and feel them" might have been just the right line to use to melt her heart into a sticky pile of goo.
But I was not that someone. Better luck next time.
Love, the girl staring studiously at the advertisements on the walls
Perhaps there was someone on the bus tonight who would have been charmed by your slurred speech, beer breath, and skill at boxing imaginary opponents. "My hands are really cold. Feel them. Go on and feel them" might have been just the right line to use to melt her heart into a sticky pile of goo.
But I was not that someone. Better luck next time.
Love, the girl staring studiously at the advertisements on the walls
Sunday, December 16, 2007
more helpful advice
Dear Walmart,
You know how you've got that goal of having the worst customer service in the universe? Well, I've got an idea for you. Instead of hiring people who are brain dead, you should start staffing your stores with people who are actually dead. It's true that they would be no more apathetic than your current employees, but they would be a little bit slower, so that's a plus. And you'd be saving money at the same time. I really think it would suit your business practices very well. Give it some thought.
Love,
A Disgruntled Customer
You know how you've got that goal of having the worst customer service in the universe? Well, I've got an idea for you. Instead of hiring people who are brain dead, you should start staffing your stores with people who are actually dead. It's true that they would be no more apathetic than your current employees, but they would be a little bit slower, so that's a plus. And you'd be saving money at the same time. I really think it would suit your business practices very well. Give it some thought.
Love,
A Disgruntled Customer
Thursday, November 29, 2007
for Chantal
Here are 6 random facts about me that you probably didn't know:
1. I'm a little bit superstitious. This is most evident in my computer-game playing. For instance, I won't change lanterns in Moria if my character has made it past a certain level because I'm afraid my luck with run out if I get a new lantern. It's irrational I know, but there you have it.
2. I have a compulsive habit of using the bathroom immediately before I go to bed. This started years ago when my mom told me that it might help reduce the frequency of my nightmares.
3. When I see a dog, I immediately start repeating in my head "I am not afraid of dogs. I am not afraid of dogs." It helps control my fear to some extent. One day in my first year of law school, I was walking home from the library after midnight on a Friday night, and I had to walk through a crazy loud frat party that was taking over the sidewalk. After I got past the partyers, I realized that I was repeating to myself "I am not afraid of boys. I am not afraid of boys." This made me laugh.
4. For as long as I can remember, I've always had at least one wart on one of my hands.
5. My favorite TV show of all time is Star Trek Voyager. I can't explain why. It just is.
6. My roommate says that my street name should be Random.
1. I'm a little bit superstitious. This is most evident in my computer-game playing. For instance, I won't change lanterns in Moria if my character has made it past a certain level because I'm afraid my luck with run out if I get a new lantern. It's irrational I know, but there you have it.
2. I have a compulsive habit of using the bathroom immediately before I go to bed. This started years ago when my mom told me that it might help reduce the frequency of my nightmares.
3. When I see a dog, I immediately start repeating in my head "I am not afraid of dogs. I am not afraid of dogs." It helps control my fear to some extent. One day in my first year of law school, I was walking home from the library after midnight on a Friday night, and I had to walk through a crazy loud frat party that was taking over the sidewalk. After I got past the partyers, I realized that I was repeating to myself "I am not afraid of boys. I am not afraid of boys." This made me laugh.
4. For as long as I can remember, I've always had at least one wart on one of my hands.
5. My favorite TV show of all time is Star Trek Voyager. I can't explain why. It just is.
6. My roommate says that my street name should be Random.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Cindy's travel tips
Pack your pajamas. They're easy to forget.
Pack deodorant.
Bring a pen that you don't mind parting with in case you need to jerryrig a malfunctioning toilet to stop running.
Don't drink out of the glasses in your hotel room. If you do drink out of one, don't do it while watching a news special about how maids actually clean them.
Don't arrive after hours at a little local hotel that just leaves your keys under the doormat. If your room hasn't been cleaned, there's nothing you can do about it.
Don't fly in or out of Philadelphia.
If you fly America West, expect your flight to be delayed due to mechanical problems.
If you fly American Airlines, try to avoid sitting in the very back row. If you do sit in the back row, wear a rain poncho, since there's a slight chance of showers.
Don't trust the baggage claim monitors in the Salt Lake airport. Your baggage will rarely be where it is supposed to be.
Eat an almond pretzel at Auntie Anne's. They're yummy.
Pack deodorant.
Bring a pen that you don't mind parting with in case you need to jerryrig a malfunctioning toilet to stop running.
Don't drink out of the glasses in your hotel room. If you do drink out of one, don't do it while watching a news special about how maids actually clean them.
Don't arrive after hours at a little local hotel that just leaves your keys under the doormat. If your room hasn't been cleaned, there's nothing you can do about it.
Don't fly in or out of Philadelphia.
If you fly America West, expect your flight to be delayed due to mechanical problems.
If you fly American Airlines, try to avoid sitting in the very back row. If you do sit in the back row, wear a rain poncho, since there's a slight chance of showers.
Don't trust the baggage claim monitors in the Salt Lake airport. Your baggage will rarely be where it is supposed to be.
Eat an almond pretzel at Auntie Anne's. They're yummy.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
helpful advice v.3
Dear Mumblers of America,
If you want me to actually listen to the words you're saying to me, you must, at a minimum, do one of two things:
(1) enunciate, or
(2) say something very interesting.
It's exhausting trying to decipher what you're mumbling about, so if you want me to put in the energy, you need to make it worth my while. "Mumble mumble laundry you know mumble you know mumble mumble just kidding! Mumble mumble um mumble" doesn't cut it. If I don't hear something interesting after a few minutes of straining to understand you, you might as well just stop talking, because I'm not listening any more.
Or you could just stop mumbling. At least then your conversation will only be painful in one way.
Love,
Me
If you want me to actually listen to the words you're saying to me, you must, at a minimum, do one of two things:
(1) enunciate, or
(2) say something very interesting.
It's exhausting trying to decipher what you're mumbling about, so if you want me to put in the energy, you need to make it worth my while. "Mumble mumble laundry you know mumble you know mumble mumble just kidding! Mumble mumble um mumble" doesn't cut it. If I don't hear something interesting after a few minutes of straining to understand you, you might as well just stop talking, because I'm not listening any more.
Or you could just stop mumbling. At least then your conversation will only be painful in one way.
Love,
Me
Thursday, November 01, 2007
a pathetic tale
Hi. I'm Cindy, and I'm a computer-game-aholic.
Based on some pointed remarks at General Conference, as well as a few unfortunate incidents involving Minesweeper in the preceding week, I decided to take a break from computer games for the rest of October. And, I'm pleased to report that I've been mostly computer game free since October 8, 2007. (I say mostly because the secretary at work emailed me a link to a Halloween thing that ended up being a game of hangman, and almost before I knew what was happening I'd been playing hangman for a couple of hours. But other than that I haven't touched the stuff.)
This goal been difficult for me. A few weeks ago, I was going through some really painful withdrawal. And then I realized something. I only promised myself not to play games on the computer.
Like an alcoholic swigging down vanilla extract, I found a way to get my fix.
Snuggles, Little Bear, and Mrs. Bunny prepare for another rousing game of Seven Up.
I lost the game, but it was totally worth it.
Based on some pointed remarks at General Conference, as well as a few unfortunate incidents involving Minesweeper in the preceding week, I decided to take a break from computer games for the rest of October. And, I'm pleased to report that I've been mostly computer game free since October 8, 2007. (I say mostly because the secretary at work emailed me a link to a Halloween thing that ended up being a game of hangman, and almost before I knew what was happening I'd been playing hangman for a couple of hours. But other than that I haven't touched the stuff.)
This goal been difficult for me. A few weeks ago, I was going through some really painful withdrawal. And then I realized something. I only promised myself not to play games on the computer.
Like an alcoholic swigging down vanilla extract, I found a way to get my fix.
Snuggles, Little Bear, and Mrs. Bunny prepare for another rousing game of Seven Up.I lost the game, but it was totally worth it.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
to sleep, perchance to dream
The secretary at work recently told me that she thinks my interesting dreams are a result of me stifling my creative side by not writing novels as I ought. So, which of my recent dreams do you think would make the best basis for a story?
1. The one where I smuggled methamphetamine across the country in my hollow pinkie toe. (I carried prescription meds in the neighboring toe.)
2. The one where I could instantly go places by pointing at a location on an online map, but sometimes I accidentally went back in time as well. And then I met my grandfather 50 years ago, and he told me what a pain his fourth-oldest son was. I told him I thought his son would turn out just fine.
3. The one where I was trying to escape from a futuristic slave mining camp with the help of a talking Ken Jennings doll that an old insurgent gave to me before the bad guys shot him.
4. The one where I accidentally started a war.
1. The one where I smuggled methamphetamine across the country in my hollow pinkie toe. (I carried prescription meds in the neighboring toe.)
2. The one where I could instantly go places by pointing at a location on an online map, but sometimes I accidentally went back in time as well. And then I met my grandfather 50 years ago, and he told me what a pain his fourth-oldest son was. I told him I thought his son would turn out just fine.
3. The one where I was trying to escape from a futuristic slave mining camp with the help of a talking Ken Jennings doll that an old insurgent gave to me before the bad guys shot him.
4. The one where I accidentally started a war.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
helpful advice, column 2
Dear Stupid Dog Owner,
Over the past several months, I have noticed that you walk your dog about 50 times per day. Despite the frequency with which the dog is taken on walks and the fact that you incessantly tell the dog to "Go Potty" while walking it, the dog has apparently not learned the point of going on walks. This is so even though you act like the animal has discovered the cure for cancer every time it does finally do its business.
I advise you to get a smarter pet. Perhaps a goldfish or an earthworm.
Love, The Girl Whose Window Abuts Your Favorite Dog-Walking Location
Over the past several months, I have noticed that you walk your dog about 50 times per day. Despite the frequency with which the dog is taken on walks and the fact that you incessantly tell the dog to "Go Potty" while walking it, the dog has apparently not learned the point of going on walks. This is so even though you act like the animal has discovered the cure for cancer every time it does finally do its business.
I advise you to get a smarter pet. Perhaps a goldfish or an earthworm.
Love, The Girl Whose Window Abuts Your Favorite Dog-Walking Location
helpful advice, column 1
Dear Sister-in-Law,
Congratulations on the anticipated visit from the stork in November. I know you said you don't need help with name suggestions, but I don't think you really meant it. So, I'm come up with some great ideas for you.
Option 1. Since Kid #1 was born in July and is named after a gemstone starting with the letter J, perhaps Kid #2 should be named after a gemstone starting with the letter N. I suggest Nephrite.
Option 2. You know how babies born in December are often named Christmas-y names, like Holly or Noelle or Cindy Lou? Well, I think your November baby should get a Thanksgiving name, like Pocahontas or Pilgrim or Turkey. You could also go for a nice Veteran's Day name like Camouflage or Armistice. But I think you should stick with Turkey.
Let me know if you want any more suggestions. My advice is free, and worth every penny.
Love, Cindy
Congratulations on the anticipated visit from the stork in November. I know you said you don't need help with name suggestions, but I don't think you really meant it. So, I'm come up with some great ideas for you.
Option 1. Since Kid #1 was born in July and is named after a gemstone starting with the letter J, perhaps Kid #2 should be named after a gemstone starting with the letter N. I suggest Nephrite.
Option 2. You know how babies born in December are often named Christmas-y names, like Holly or Noelle or Cindy Lou? Well, I think your November baby should get a Thanksgiving name, like Pocahontas or Pilgrim or Turkey. You could also go for a nice Veteran's Day name like Camouflage or Armistice. But I think you should stick with Turkey.
Let me know if you want any more suggestions. My advice is free, and worth every penny.
Love, Cindy
Thursday, August 16, 2007
links
If you have some time to kill, the "blog" of "unnecessary" quotation marks is rather funny.
More humorous reading is a prisoner's lawsuit against Michael Vick. Who knew that in addition to arranging dogfights Michael Vick also purchased missiles from Iran, used drugs in school zones, and subjected people to microwave testing?
Also on the legal front, a dissenting judge expressed his feelings about jukeboxes and jazz in 1956:
[Read more here.]
More humorous reading is a prisoner's lawsuit against Michael Vick. Who knew that in addition to arranging dogfights Michael Vick also purchased missiles from Iran, used drugs in school zones, and subjected people to microwave testing?
Also on the legal front, a dissenting judge expressed his feelings about jukeboxes and jazz in 1956:
In the eyes and ears of many people, including the writer of this opinion, a juke box confined to ‘jazz’ records may be a nuisance. It robs the air of sweet silence, it substitutes for the gentle concord of stillness the wailings of the so-called ‘blues singer,’ the whinings of foggy saxophones, the screeching of untuned fiddles, the blasts of head-splitting horns, and the battering of earshattering drums. It makes a mockery of music, it replaces harmony with cacophony, tonality with discord, and peace with annoyance.
[Read more here.]
all my children
This week I played Dance Dance Revolution at a party hosted by one of the agencies in my building. While I was dancing, I heard a woman behind me comment, "She's really good at this. She must play it with her kids."
Say what? Do I really look that matronly? I guess people my age do have kids, but still.
And in case you were wondering, it is stupid to play DDR with turf toe, even if the toe seemed to be healing well.
Say what? Do I really look that matronly? I guess people my age do have kids, but still.
And in case you were wondering, it is stupid to play DDR with turf toe, even if the toe seemed to be healing well.
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