thoughts while shopping with the old person

So, you didn't like the movie Harvey because it's about a bunny rabbit? Um, okay.

Can we go home yet? We've been at Walmart for ages.
Okay, I guess we've only been here an hour, but it feels like ages.

I really doubt the sizes on this rack have changed during the last five minutes. There probably is still nothing your size here.

Yes, this is still a size XL, just like the last two times you asked me to look at it.

Sorry, Old Person, but I doubt that we'll find anything your size in the juniors' section.

Hey, there's a mirror.
Wow, I'm looking kinda fat.
And look at that -- pants with "Love" written at the waist line. Yeah, like anyone needs help spotting my love handles.

No, Old Person, I don't think you'll find anything you like in the boys' section.

You know, I suddenly feel a lot of sympathy for the Ghost of Marley, doomed to roam the aisles of Walmart eternally. No, wait. He wasn't stuck in Walmart. Lucky.

In fact, I bet Hell is a lot like Walmart. And all the catering in Hell is done by the McDonalds here.

At least I don't have to drag a mile of chains behind me. Not yet, at least.

thoughts while watching Yaadein

Dear Hrithik Roshan,

You are an attractive man. However, that does not excuse your many crimes against fashion.

The hats are a little goofy, but I'll let them pass.





This, on the other hand, is just not acceptable.



Please fire the person who told you that see-through tanktops are attractive and manly. They're not. And maybe you should cut back on the headbands as well.



Why don't you try something with sleeves? I promise, we won't forget that you have muscles.



And please, if you must wear clothes made out of black garbage bags, at least go with Hefty. I hear Hefty bags are less likely to rip.



Love,

A Concerned Fan

thoughts on the bus

Dear Drunk Guy,

Perhaps there was someone on the bus tonight who would have been charmed by your slurred speech, beer breath, and skill at boxing imaginary opponents. "My hands are really cold. Feel them. Go on and feel them" might have been just the right line to use to melt her heart into a sticky pile of goo.

But I was not that someone. Better luck next time.

Love, the girl staring studiously at the advertisements on the walls

more helpful advice

Dear Walmart,

You know how you've got that goal of having the worst customer service in the universe? Well, I've got an idea for you. Instead of hiring people who are brain dead, you should start staffing your stores with people who are actually dead. It's true that they would be no more apathetic than your current employees, but they would be a little bit slower, so that's a plus. And you'd be saving money at the same time. I really think it would suit your business practices very well. Give it some thought.

Love,

A Disgruntled Customer

for Chantal

Here are 6 random facts about me that you probably didn't know:

1. I'm a little bit superstitious. This is most evident in my computer-game playing. For instance, I won't change lanterns in Moria if my character has made it past a certain level because I'm afraid my luck with run out if I get a new lantern. It's irrational I know, but there you have it.

2. I have a compulsive habit of using the bathroom immediately before I go to bed. This started years ago when my mom told me that it might help reduce the frequency of my nightmares.

3. When I see a dog, I immediately start repeating in my head "I am not afraid of dogs. I am not afraid of dogs." It helps control my fear to some extent. One day in my first year of law school, I was walking home from the library after midnight on a Friday night, and I had to walk through a crazy loud frat party that was taking over the sidewalk. After I got past the partyers, I realized that I was repeating to myself "I am not afraid of boys. I am not afraid of boys." This made me laugh.

4. For as long as I can remember, I've always had at least one wart on one of my hands.

5. My favorite TV show of all time is Star Trek Voyager. I can't explain why. It just is.

6. My roommate says that my street name should be Random.

Cindy's travel tips

Pack your pajamas. They're easy to forget.

Pack deodorant.

Bring a pen that you don't mind parting with in case you need to jerryrig a malfunctioning toilet to stop running.

Don't drink out of the glasses in your hotel room. If you do drink out of one, don't do it while watching a news special about how maids actually clean them.

Don't arrive after hours at a little local hotel that just leaves your keys under the doormat. If your room hasn't been cleaned, there's nothing you can do about it.

Don't fly in or out of Philadelphia.

If you fly America West, expect your flight to be delayed due to mechanical problems.

If you fly American Airlines, try to avoid sitting in the very back row. If you do sit in the back row, wear a rain poncho, since there's a slight chance of showers.

Don't trust the baggage claim monitors in the Salt Lake airport. Your baggage will rarely be where it is supposed to be.

Eat an almond pretzel at Auntie Anne's. They're yummy.

helpful advice v.3

Dear Mumblers of America,

If you want me to actually listen to the words you're saying to me, you must, at a minimum, do one of two things:

(1) enunciate, or

(2) say something very interesting.

It's exhausting trying to decipher what you're mumbling about, so if you want me to put in the energy, you need to make it worth my while. "Mumble mumble laundry you know mumble you know mumble mumble just kidding! Mumble mumble um mumble" doesn't cut it. If I don't hear something interesting after a few minutes of straining to understand you, you might as well just stop talking, because I'm not listening any more.

Or you could just stop mumbling. At least then your conversation will only be painful in one way.

Love,

Me

a pathetic tale

Hi. I'm Cindy, and I'm a computer-game-aholic.

Based on some pointed remarks at General Conference, as well as a few unfortunate incidents involving Minesweeper in the preceding week, I decided to take a break from computer games for the rest of October. And, I'm pleased to report that I've been mostly computer game free since October 8, 2007. (I say mostly because the secretary at work emailed me a link to a Halloween thing that ended up being a game of hangman, and almost before I knew what was happening I'd been playing hangman for a couple of hours. But other than that I haven't touched the stuff.)

This goal been difficult for me. A few weeks ago, I was going through some really painful withdrawal. And then I realized something. I only promised myself not to play games on the computer.

Like an alcoholic swigging down vanilla extract, I found a way to get my fix.

Snuggles, Little Bear, and Mrs. Bunny prepare for another rousing game of Seven Up.

I lost the game, but it was totally worth it.

to sleep, perchance to dream

The secretary at work recently told me that she thinks my interesting dreams are a result of me stifling my creative side by not writing novels as I ought. So, which of my recent dreams do you think would make the best basis for a story?

1. The one where I smuggled methamphetamine across the country in my hollow pinkie toe. (I carried prescription meds in the neighboring toe.)

2. The one where I could instantly go places by pointing at a location on an online map, but sometimes I accidentally went back in time as well. And then I met my grandfather 50 years ago, and he told me what a pain his fourth-oldest son was. I told him I thought his son would turn out just fine.

3. The one where I was trying to escape from a futuristic slave mining camp with the help of a talking Ken Jennings doll that an old insurgent gave to me before the bad guys shot him.

4. The one where I accidentally started a war.

helpful advice, column 2

Dear Stupid Dog Owner,

Over the past several months, I have noticed that you walk your dog about 50 times per day. Despite the frequency with which the dog is taken on walks and the fact that you incessantly tell the dog to "Go Potty" while walking it, the dog has apparently not learned the point of going on walks. This is so even though you act like the animal has discovered the cure for cancer every time it does finally do its business.

I advise you to get a smarter pet. Perhaps a goldfish or an earthworm.

Love, The Girl Whose Window Abuts Your Favorite Dog-Walking Location

helpful advice, column 1

Dear Sister-in-Law,

Congratulations on the anticipated visit from the stork in November. I know you said you don't need help with name suggestions, but I don't think you really meant it. So, I'm come up with some great ideas for you.

Option 1. Since Kid #1 was born in July and is named after a gemstone starting with the letter J, perhaps Kid #2 should be named after a gemstone starting with the letter N. I suggest Nephrite.

Option 2. You know how babies born in December are often named Christmas-y names, like Holly or Noelle or Cindy Lou? Well, I think your November baby should get a Thanksgiving name, like Pocahontas or Pilgrim or Turkey. You could also go for a nice Veteran's Day name like Camouflage or Armistice. But I think you should stick with Turkey.

Let me know if you want any more suggestions. My advice is free, and worth every penny.

Love, Cindy

links

If you have some time to kill, the "blog" of "unnecessary" quotation marks is rather funny.

More humorous reading is a prisoner's lawsuit against Michael Vick. Who knew that in addition to arranging dogfights Michael Vick also purchased missiles from Iran, used drugs in school zones, and subjected people to microwave testing?

Also on the legal front, a dissenting judge expressed his feelings about jukeboxes and jazz in 1956:

In the eyes and ears of many people, including the writer of this opinion, a juke box confined to ‘jazz’ records may be a nuisance. It robs the air of sweet silence, it substitutes for the gentle concord of stillness the wailings of the so-called ‘blues singer,’ the whinings of foggy saxophones, the screeching of untuned fiddles, the blasts of head-splitting horns, and the battering of earshattering drums. It makes a mockery of music, it replaces harmony with cacophony, tonality with discord, and peace with annoyance.

[Read more here.]

all my children

This week I played Dance Dance Revolution at a party hosted by one of the agencies in my building. While I was dancing, I heard a woman behind me comment, "She's really good at this. She must play it with her kids."

Say what? Do I really look that matronly? I guess people my age do have kids, but still.


And in case you were wondering, it is stupid to play DDR with turf toe, even if the toe seemed to be healing well.

old people give interesting medical advice

Old Person: So, what did the doctor say about your foot pain?

Me: He said the only real problem he could see was that the muscles on the back of my legs are really tight.

Old Person: That don't sound right. I don't see how that could cause your problems. I think you probably have nerve damage, because my son's feet hurt and they found out that that's why.

Me: I really don't think that's what it is.

Old Person: Well, you should ask another doctor, because most doctors don't know what they're talking about.

Me: I have been to a lot of doctors. And it's true that some of them are incompetent, but I think this doctor knew what he was talking about.

Old Person: Didn't you say before that your problems had something to do with the bones?

Me: Well, that's what my one podiatrist said. He said that they were angled downward, and that was causing problems.

Old Person: Have you ever had your blood tested? Because you're really pale, which is a sign of leukemia, and leukemia causes bone problems.

Me: I'm pale because I'm white. I don't have leukemia.

Old Person: Okay, but I think you should get tested. You're really very pale.

Me: I'm naturally pale. Really, I don't think I have leukemia, or anything like that.


The next day . . .

Old Person: You really look pale. Maybe you have lupus. Have you ever gotten tested for that?

Me: I'm just white. I'm quite sure I don't have lupus or any other serious medical condition like that.

Old Person: Well, my daughter had leukemia, and she was really pale and bad looking for a while before they diagnosed her. I think you should get tested. Lupus or leukemia is probably causing your feet problems and making you look pale.

Me: I don't think my paleness and my foot problems are related, except to the extent that they're both conditions I was born with. But my paleness is not indicative of illness. Really, I'm just very fair-complected. And besides, I've had blood work done, and my blood is perfectly normal.

Old Person: Okay, but they might have gotten the tests wrong. You can't trust doctors.

Me: Really, I'm fine. I don't have lupus or leukemia. My terminal heart disease, on the other hand . . . .

(Okay, so I didn't really say that. The Old Person doesn't understand jokes.)

above and beyond

This past week some girls in my ward woke up at 2 in the morning to the sounds of someone trying to break into their apartment. They called one of their home teachers, then the police. The home teacher got up to go to their apartment, but he thought he should bring something along for protection. He looked around for a baseball bat or something like that. He didn't see a bat, but he remembered that he had recently bought a sword off the internet. So he pulled out the sword and walked over to the girls' house. He started looking around the house to see if anyone was out there. At this point the police arrived.

He was startled to see them, as he didn't know they were coming. They weren't exactly startled to see him, but they did reach the wrong conclusion. They yelled at him to drop his sword and put his hands above his head. He wisely complied and then told them that the girls had asked him to come investigate. They all went inside the house, where the girls confirmed that he was not the prowler. At that point the police became friendly and started asking him where he got his sword, which is apparently a pretty cool one.

And so it all ended happily, although the girls are still kind of upset about the whole experience. And now the guy can have something to say if our home teacher ever brings up the story about how he had to remove a rotting dead mouse from our doorstep.

A Cindy Retrospective

For my loyal fans, here is an exclusive, behind-the-scenes look at the beginnings of my illustrious career as a writer. A writer of boring legal stuff that doesn't have my name on it, but a writer none the less.

So, for your edification and enjoyment, here are some excerpts -- chosen more or less randomly -- from my first journal ever. Spelling and capitalization are as in the original, but unfortunately I can't reproduce the interesting handwriting.

From the first page:

On Cristmis 1987 I got a Bear And BIBLE. [Ed. I also got the journal, but I thought that was too obvious to warrant mention.] The day actor Cristmis is my birthday. I got skates. And we went to our grandma's home. We had fun. . . . On Thursday JANUARY 1988 I had my warts freesed. And my tempuchr wuss 98 point 1. The day actor that my tempuchr wus 102 point 6. T. day actor that my tempchr wus 103 point 4. On Sunday I rote in my journal. And my temperaturt was 100.

Page 11:

babtisim
I was babtised on my birthday. I was at my Grandma and Grandpa's house. My Grandpa is a p bishop! We went to a church, it was the wrong one. So we went to the right one.

Page 12:

snow!
It snowed on Feb. 8th and 9th 1989. [Ed. That's all that's written on the entire page.]

From page 40:

Dec. 1, 1990
. . . . I am on Mosiah on the book of Morman. I like Mosiah and Alma best, because they have lots of wars. I like The Man From Snowy River 1 and 2. We saw part one yesterday. I better read alot in the book of Morman to finish it by my birthday. I have a goal to read the B of M and write in my journal every day.

From page 43:

Dec. 25, 1990
I finished the Book of Mormon. I got neat presents. I got a clock/radio, backpack, book, bathrobe, 2 jumpropes, 3 puzzels, a set of the 7 Anne of Green Gables set, and a video. [Ed. If you think this list is bad, you should see the entry from Easter, where I cataloged every kind of candy I got, including "20 jelly beans (of the regular 1 black, 3 green, 3 pink, 3 orang, and 2 white, of the speckled 2 green, 1 purple, 1 blue, 2 orange, and 2 yellow."]

Dec. 26, 1990
I'm on Genisis 3, Nephi 4, and D and C 85. I got a cassete tape reckorder for my birthday. We had a half a cheesecake since the sewer backed up.

And there you have it. If that's not some compelling writing, I don't know what is.

your tax dollars at work

On Wednesday, I was sitting at my desk wondering what I should do now that I'd finished up all of my work. And then I noticed that the police were barricading off our street. I looked down the block, and I saw that they had barricaded the next block down as well. They also seemed to have blocked off the cross street south of us. I pointed this out to the secretary, and we saw that there were several police cars around the Carl's Jr. across the street. Oddly enough, however, the police weren't stopping all of the gawking pedestrians who were sauntering along the street.

A couple of unmarked police cars were waved through the barricades and went to the Carl's Jr. A news chopper circled overhead. But there was nothing on the radio or online to tell us what was going on.

We saw the cute security guard from our building go over to talk to the policeman who was blocking State Street. But then we saw someone ask him what was going on, and he shrugged his shoulders like he didn't know.

Then the UPS guy called to say that he wasn't going to make it to the building, since the area was all closed off. He said that he was in the Marriott, and that they were debating evacuating the building. He also informed us that the reason for all the fuss was a suspicious package that had been seen somewhere, although he didn't know where. The secretary said, "I can tell you where. It's at the Carl's Jr." The UPS guy also told us that he had been told that our building was in lockdown. The secretary and I looked at each other and said, "I sure hope that's not true." People had been coming and going from the building the whole time, and they hadn't announced anything over the loudspeakers.

Finally, about two hours after everything started, we heard a soft exploding sound, and we figured they'd detonated the package. Sure enough, about fifteen minutes later they started removing the barricades.

That night I saw a brief story about this on the news. Turns out the package contained . . . a trumpet. They'd sent a bomb robot over to inspect it and then detonate it. So some poor guy lost his trumpet. But at least we all got some entertainment.

The news story said, "Police say this underscores an important lesson. If you leave something somewhere please tell the police." That's some good advice. "Someone call the police! I think I left my book on the bus! And I left my trash in the trash can! And I left my car in the parking lot!"

a shopping expedition

As you all know, I went without a car for a long time, so I know what a pain it is. Also, lots of people were very nice about giving me rides places. And so, I promised myself that when I got a car, I would use it for Good. That's why I hang out with the Old Person every weekend. And that's why, when my ward passed around a sign-up sheet for those who owned cars and would be willing to take others grocery shopping, I signed up, even though I'd rather go to the dentist than go shopping.

I then got a phone call asking me if I'd be willing to take a Korean girl in my ward to Walmart. I said sure, and the girl on the phone said, "That's great! I told her you would, and she's really excited." The girl then said something about us going at 9:30, and I asked if she meant 9:30 that night. She said, "No, of course not. You should arrange it with Korean Girl. But I told her 9:30 on Saturday morning."

I hang out with the Old Person at 10 on Saturday mornings, so I called Korean Girl and told her that I would be free after 2 on Saturday to give her a ride. "Okay," she said, "2:00." "Are you saying that you want to go at 2:00?" "Yes, 2:00." "Okay, I'll see you at 2:00 then."

I sometimes give Korean Girl rides to church, and she usually comes up to my apartment to meet me, since we live in the same complex. I assumed she would do the same on Saturday, but she hadn't shown up by 2:20. I gave her a call to ask if she was ready and whether she was going to come up to my apartment or whether I should pick her up in the parking lot by her apartment. "Parking lot." "Okay, I'll see you in the parking lot then. I'll be there in just a minute." "No, at 3:00." "At 3:00? I'm ready to go now, so is now okay?" "No, at 3:00. We go at 3:00." "All right."

At 3:00, we left for Walmart. I figured we'd be there about an hour. Little did I know . . . .

It turns out the Korean Girl was not only unfamiliar with Walmart's layout, she was also almost completely unfamiliar with American products. "What is this kind cheese, Cindy? What is Hot Pockets? What is good kind food?"

We spent about 45 minutes looking for the kind of meat she wanted. "I want meat, Cindy." "What kind of meat?" "Meat. Um, beef. Yes, beef. I want beef." "Okay, what kind of beef?" "Normal." "Ground beef?" "Yes, ground beef. I want ground beef." I took her over to where the ground beef was. "No, not this kind beef. Not ground beef. I want normal beef. For cooking." "Okay, so a cut of beef?" "Yes, but not steak. I do not want steak." "Do you want a roast?" "Yes, roast. I want roast." I showed her the roasts. "No, I do not want this kind beef. I just want normal beef. For cooking. This beef is too . . . not thin. How you say other than thin?" "Thick?" "Yes, thick. Too thick. I need less thick beef." "Okay, well the rest of the cuts of beef are in this section, so why don't you just look around for what you want." "Um, I do not know. I want normal beef." "Yes, I know, but I never buy cuts of beef, so I can't help." "You do not buy beef?" "No, so I can't help you."

Somewhere around this point, she pulled out her electronic translator. It wasn't very helpful, however, since the word that came up was fatback, and she specifically said that she wanted beef and not pork. Her next idea was to ask someone else. She spent about twenty minutes looking for someone to ask. (I think she was looking for a Walmart employee, which was clearly a lost cause.) Finally, she just took the kind that looked right to her. Which would have been the sensible solution from the beginning.

And then we moved on to hotdogs. She came over to me with hotdogs in her hand and asked, "What is good kind sausage?" "Well, those are hotdogs. Do you want sausages, or do you want hotdogs? They're different." "I want this." "Okay, so you want hotdogs?" "Yes. Is this good kind sausage?" "Hotdog. That's a hotdog. And I don't buy hotdogs, so I don't know." "You don't buy hotdog either?" "No, I don't like them." "Oh, but what is good kind?" "I don't know. I don't buy them." "Okay, but what do people in America like?" "I don't know. I don't like hotdogs, so I don't discuss them with others." "Okay, but do you know this kind, Oscar Meyer? Is it good sausage?" "It's a hotdog, and I don't know what kinds of hotdogs are good." "Okay, how about this kind? Is this kind good kind hotdog?" "I still don't know. I don't know what kinds of hotdogs are good." "Okay, but you know this kind? Is this kind good?" "I don't know what kinds of hotdogs are good." "Okay, we should ask somebody. Who should we ask?" "If you want to ask somebody, that's fine." "No, I will not. Maybe I get this kind. Wait, what is difference between this kind and other kind?" "Well, the one is long and skinny, the other is short and fat." "Which is good?" "That depends on whether you want a long and skinny one or a short and fat one." "Okay."

We mananaged to get through the juice and milk section in only about 20 minutes. Then it was laundry detergent. "What is good kind laundry detergent?" "Well, I use Tide, but I don't know which is best." "Oh, but what do Americans think is best?" "Everyone likes different kinds. There's not one kind that everyone agrees is best." "Okay. What is All?" "Um, it's a kind of laundry detergent." "How is All different from Tide?" "Advertising? I don't know." "Okay. What is this word?" "Bleach? Um, it's like an extra cleaning thing, or something. And it can fade colored clothes." "Okay. What is difference between this kind All and this kind All?" "Um, scent, maybe? You can smell them to see which smells better." "Okay. I like this smell. But what is concentrate?" "That means you can put in a smaller amount, and get the same result." "Okay. But maybe I should get other bottle, because it is bigger." "Yes, but the concentrated one says it washes more loads. Because you don't need to put in as much." "Okay, but it is still smaller." "Yes, but that doesn't really matter." "Okay. Maybe I get big bottle. Oh, but what is Wisk?" "It's just another brand of laundry detergent." "Is it better than All?" "I don't know. I always buy Tide." "Oh, but do Americans like it better than All?" "I still don't know. You're just going to have to pick one yourself."

Finally, we had to find lettuce. "I do not see kind lettuce I want." "Well, maybe they don't have it here." "We must ask someone else." "Okay, go ahead." "No, you must ask. I do not speak English well enough." "But I don't know what you want." "I want lettuce. Other kind, not this kind." "I don't think that's going to help." "You must ask." "Sorry, but I'm not going to ask the surly Walmart employee what kind of lettuce you want."

And so it went.

And at this point I should probably apologize to anyone who ever took me shopping, since I know I'm a pain to shop with too. Although I've never made anyone spend 3 hours grocery shopping.

a modern fable

One day a girl named Cindy was watching football on TV, and the announcer said that one of the athletes was suffering from turf toe. "Turf toe," Cindy laughed. "Is that like a minor case of athlete's foot or something? Maybe that football player should stop being such a big baby."

Shortly thereafter, Cindy got turf toe herself. "I want to die!" cried Cindy. "The pain is too horrible to bear!"

From time to time, Cindy's turf toe injury recurs. Then Cindy is in much pain, and she wishes she hadn't made fun of the football player.

Moral: Laughter is not always the best medicine.

Alternate moral: Don't mock people's pain unless you're willing to walk a mile in their orthotic shoes.

An educational conversation

Bus passenger: Did I ever tell you about how Napoleon went to Mexico?

Bus driver: No.

Passenger: Well, he did, and I can prove it.

Driver: That would be hard to prove, since that was before anyone knew about America.

Passenger: Well, I can prove it, just like I proved that the sun revolves around the earth and not the earth around the sun.


Hopefully tomorrow we can cover more enlightening topics, like
Elvish Reactions to the Aztecs' Defeat at Waterloo;
Atlas's Weight-Training Regime; and
The Hollow Earth: Was it discovered by Leonardo da Vinci or Vasco da Gama?