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If you have some time to kill, the "blog" of "unnecessary" quotation marks is rather funny.

More humorous reading is a prisoner's lawsuit against Michael Vick. Who knew that in addition to arranging dogfights Michael Vick also purchased missiles from Iran, used drugs in school zones, and subjected people to microwave testing?

Also on the legal front, a dissenting judge expressed his feelings about jukeboxes and jazz in 1956:

In the eyes and ears of many people, including the writer of this opinion, a juke box confined to ‘jazz’ records may be a nuisance. It robs the air of sweet silence, it substitutes for the gentle concord of stillness the wailings of the so-called ‘blues singer,’ the whinings of foggy saxophones, the screeching of untuned fiddles, the blasts of head-splitting horns, and the battering of earshattering drums. It makes a mockery of music, it replaces harmony with cacophony, tonality with discord, and peace with annoyance.

[Read more here.]

all my children

This week I played Dance Dance Revolution at a party hosted by one of the agencies in my building. While I was dancing, I heard a woman behind me comment, "She's really good at this. She must play it with her kids."

Say what? Do I really look that matronly? I guess people my age do have kids, but still.


And in case you were wondering, it is stupid to play DDR with turf toe, even if the toe seemed to be healing well.

old people give interesting medical advice

Old Person: So, what did the doctor say about your foot pain?

Me: He said the only real problem he could see was that the muscles on the back of my legs are really tight.

Old Person: That don't sound right. I don't see how that could cause your problems. I think you probably have nerve damage, because my son's feet hurt and they found out that that's why.

Me: I really don't think that's what it is.

Old Person: Well, you should ask another doctor, because most doctors don't know what they're talking about.

Me: I have been to a lot of doctors. And it's true that some of them are incompetent, but I think this doctor knew what he was talking about.

Old Person: Didn't you say before that your problems had something to do with the bones?

Me: Well, that's what my one podiatrist said. He said that they were angled downward, and that was causing problems.

Old Person: Have you ever had your blood tested? Because you're really pale, which is a sign of leukemia, and leukemia causes bone problems.

Me: I'm pale because I'm white. I don't have leukemia.

Old Person: Okay, but I think you should get tested. You're really very pale.

Me: I'm naturally pale. Really, I don't think I have leukemia, or anything like that.


The next day . . .

Old Person: You really look pale. Maybe you have lupus. Have you ever gotten tested for that?

Me: I'm just white. I'm quite sure I don't have lupus or any other serious medical condition like that.

Old Person: Well, my daughter had leukemia, and she was really pale and bad looking for a while before they diagnosed her. I think you should get tested. Lupus or leukemia is probably causing your feet problems and making you look pale.

Me: I don't think my paleness and my foot problems are related, except to the extent that they're both conditions I was born with. But my paleness is not indicative of illness. Really, I'm just very fair-complected. And besides, I've had blood work done, and my blood is perfectly normal.

Old Person: Okay, but they might have gotten the tests wrong. You can't trust doctors.

Me: Really, I'm fine. I don't have lupus or leukemia. My terminal heart disease, on the other hand . . . .

(Okay, so I didn't really say that. The Old Person doesn't understand jokes.)

above and beyond

This past week some girls in my ward woke up at 2 in the morning to the sounds of someone trying to break into their apartment. They called one of their home teachers, then the police. The home teacher got up to go to their apartment, but he thought he should bring something along for protection. He looked around for a baseball bat or something like that. He didn't see a bat, but he remembered that he had recently bought a sword off the internet. So he pulled out the sword and walked over to the girls' house. He started looking around the house to see if anyone was out there. At this point the police arrived.

He was startled to see them, as he didn't know they were coming. They weren't exactly startled to see him, but they did reach the wrong conclusion. They yelled at him to drop his sword and put his hands above his head. He wisely complied and then told them that the girls had asked him to come investigate. They all went inside the house, where the girls confirmed that he was not the prowler. At that point the police became friendly and started asking him where he got his sword, which is apparently a pretty cool one.

And so it all ended happily, although the girls are still kind of upset about the whole experience. And now the guy can have something to say if our home teacher ever brings up the story about how he had to remove a rotting dead mouse from our doorstep.

A Cindy Retrospective

For my loyal fans, here is an exclusive, behind-the-scenes look at the beginnings of my illustrious career as a writer. A writer of boring legal stuff that doesn't have my name on it, but a writer none the less.

So, for your edification and enjoyment, here are some excerpts -- chosen more or less randomly -- from my first journal ever. Spelling and capitalization are as in the original, but unfortunately I can't reproduce the interesting handwriting.

From the first page:

On Cristmis 1987 I got a Bear And BIBLE. [Ed. I also got the journal, but I thought that was too obvious to warrant mention.] The day actor Cristmis is my birthday. I got skates. And we went to our grandma's home. We had fun. . . . On Thursday JANUARY 1988 I had my warts freesed. And my tempuchr wuss 98 point 1. The day actor that my tempuchr wus 102 point 6. T. day actor that my tempchr wus 103 point 4. On Sunday I rote in my journal. And my temperaturt was 100.

Page 11:

babtisim
I was babtised on my birthday. I was at my Grandma and Grandpa's house. My Grandpa is a p bishop! We went to a church, it was the wrong one. So we went to the right one.

Page 12:

snow!
It snowed on Feb. 8th and 9th 1989. [Ed. That's all that's written on the entire page.]

From page 40:

Dec. 1, 1990
. . . . I am on Mosiah on the book of Morman. I like Mosiah and Alma best, because they have lots of wars. I like The Man From Snowy River 1 and 2. We saw part one yesterday. I better read alot in the book of Morman to finish it by my birthday. I have a goal to read the B of M and write in my journal every day.

From page 43:

Dec. 25, 1990
I finished the Book of Mormon. I got neat presents. I got a clock/radio, backpack, book, bathrobe, 2 jumpropes, 3 puzzels, a set of the 7 Anne of Green Gables set, and a video. [Ed. If you think this list is bad, you should see the entry from Easter, where I cataloged every kind of candy I got, including "20 jelly beans (of the regular 1 black, 3 green, 3 pink, 3 orang, and 2 white, of the speckled 2 green, 1 purple, 1 blue, 2 orange, and 2 yellow."]

Dec. 26, 1990
I'm on Genisis 3, Nephi 4, and D and C 85. I got a cassete tape reckorder for my birthday. We had a half a cheesecake since the sewer backed up.

And there you have it. If that's not some compelling writing, I don't know what is.